Today’s scripture in one of my bible plans that I’ve been going through is Psalm 95 and the prayer is “ Sovereign God, we praise you for your wonderful world, and we pray that you will replace our grumbles with gratitude, and our questioning with adoration.” The reading also states that worship is about contemplating who God is and what he’s done, standing in awe and expressing that awe in thanks and praise.
I thought I’d be super honest on the blog today. I’m angry with God.
How crazy and stupid is that? I know that God is sovereign and has ordered my footsteps, but that doesn’t stop me from being angry. I keep trying to understand why I am where I am. Yes, I’m getting married and I am truly blessed in that area, I am healthy, my family is healthy – there are plenty of good things going on. I’m even employed and can pay my bills.
I’m frustrated and angry because I cannot understand why I have been facing these types of challenges for 19 months. I have a degree in business and an almost master’s degree (a few more weeks to go , yay!). I’m having a hard time finding the role that I want so I can start my career (because I don’t feel that I have). And I’m limited to looking for roles in Houston now that I’m getting married and Aaron’s career is doing so well. But I also wonder if I’m unable to find something because maybe I haven’t learned what I need to spiritually, I’m being impatient, or because what’s really in my heart is to work for myself.
I am struggling because while my flesh is angry, the believer in me knows that there is more I can do within my walk with God. I do need to humble myself and express my gratitude. I do need to try to see past the here + now and remember that He always has a plan and He’s got my back when nobody else does, ALWAYS. But I am human and that is hard, honestly. This Word came at the right time and further reminded me that I need to be spending more time with Him and remember that He is my ultimately my only source.
When I think about this, I also think how silly I am because I am blessed. I have more than some. Feelings are real, even though they can be liars. Yesterday I was informed that I need to practice patience and remember that I am always victorious in the Lord, no matter what challenges I face. God has the final say. I hope that my honesty has helped anyone else who is dealing with the same thing or something similar. I hope that you’re inspired and motivated to deepen your relationship with the Lord.
I love your honesty here. I have faced so much of the same emotion lately, and while I'm coming out of it, I still slip back there and I know exactly where you are coming from. I struggled for months being angry with God because I have been stuck at a job that I am miserable at and I was applying to job after job and I wasn't getting anywhere. I have health issues that haven't gotten better and I just felt I was never going to reach a breakthrough. I was angry because I felt like God wasn't seeing my pain. But, that's not true! He loves you so much and He weeps with you when you weep. But, like a loving father, He can't give you what you want right when you want it. Yes, He is probably teaching you patience. For me, it was contentment. I had to be content with the season God had me in, in the moment. There was reason for it - some which I understand and some which I'm still working on. But I was holding my unhappiness as an idol and not focusing just on Jesus. He is my ultimate source of joy no matter what every thing else looks like. Now, he was also waiting to show me what He wanted me to do. He finally presented me with it, and I'm transitioning into that option now. It even has its challenges, but He is placing me there and I'm so excited because He knew what I wanted and needed more than I did. He knows my heart because He designed it, and He knows yours. So, take a second a breathe. Just seek HIM instead of His answers. Then, everything else will come. <3
ReplyDeleteHi! Thank you for your kind words! The thing you said that slapped me in my face was "But I was holding my unhappiness as an idol and not focusing just on Jesus." Wow! When I read it, I immediately remembered a sermon that I guess I had tucked away about the different idols we can make. I never looked at it that way. Focusing on my unhappiness/impatience/etc. is a form of idolization. Thanks for responding! You just showed me something that I needed to remember :) Congratulations on your transition!
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